10 Things I Could Afford to Buy if I had my Student Debt in Cash
When I’m feeling sorry for myself, berating the state of the country, or trying to get my mum to buy me a takeaway, I’m wont to refer to myself as a ‘poor student’. The term is meant affectionately, ironically — my astronomical student debt spelt the kiss of death to Nick Clegg’s career far more than it ever will mine.
Don’t get me wrong, I have good intentions when it comes to Student Loans. When (slash if) I have the money, I fully intend to pay them back.*
Or so was my thinking, until I received my last statement to the tune of £55,720.95.
What are they going to do with the extra 95p that I couldn’t use to rebuild my crumbling shell of a life post-university?
Under the current pay-back system, it will likely be my entire lifetime before such a sum, accumulating interest as we speak, can be wiped out.
In honour of this frankly ridiculous state of affairs, I thought I’d explore all the luxuries I could afford were I to have this money in cash.
Dare to dream.
1. A three bedroom house in Gwyned.
Based on the type of mortgage I could afford with my current salary (poco), I could use my loan cash to put down a deposit on a lovely, ‘compact’ family home in Tregarth. I’ll spend the change on a season ticket to stay in touch with my city friends.
2. 132 years of membership at Pure Gym Canary Wharf.
I may be poor for life, but I’ll be damned if I won’t also be fit for life! 132 years at Pure Gym will see me well into my hundred and fifties, and ensure I’m in peak physical health to contribute National Insurance for as long as is humanly possible.
3. 3,594 Home Alone deals at Dominoes with an upgrade to a medium pizza
The Home Alone Dominoes is the taste of freedom that comes with ordering a midweek takeaway to yourself, for yourself. I could enjoy a spectacular amount of these with the money that I’m currently wasting in the red.
4. 5,306 portions of Avocado Toast with Salmon at Bill’s
There’s nothing we millennials love more than blowing our cash on brunch we can’t afford, and where better to do that than Bill’s? Assuming I order tap water with my Avo toast (come on, I’m not made of money), I could have 5,306 portions of these.
5. 14 two-week holidays for me and a friend to Disneyland Florida
The original blowout holiday, Disneyland Florida is the ultimate brain break for the miserable graduate. Next time I go, I’m def getting my photo taken with Prince Eric.
6. 56,283 Freddo Bars
But for how long? The only thing inflating more rapidly than the interest on my debt, the cost of Freddo Bars seems to be spiralling out of control. If I had my student debt in cash, I’d reinvest that bad boy in Freddo shares post haste.
7. About 2 tops from Sweaty Betty.
Ok, I kid with this one, but beautiful yoga clothes is definitely something I would treat myself to if I had a bit more dosh. Did somebody say reversible leggings?
8. 31 MacBooks with New Touch Bar and Touch ID
One MacBook is a luxury; 32 with New Touch Bar and Touch ID (no, I have no idea what it means either) is the next big tech enterprise waiting to happen. Think of the possibilities that would be unleashed if I spent my money on this instead of Freddos!
9. 5 new Fiat 500s
A self-confessed Fiat 500 girl (apparently we’re all part of a club that everyone hates), I will never buy a larger car, but merely keep buying Fiats and enjoy easy front-first parking for life.
10. 17,412 Starbucks Caramel Frapuccinos (tall)
The ultimate student indulgence, a Frap ceases to be a luxury when you can buy nearly twenty thousand of them. And here I am scrimping the pennies to buy one. For shame.
And you? What would you buy if Student Loans took pity on you and paid you your debt in full? Edible answers preferred.
* I’ve seen what happens if you don’t