Love Island has taken the nation by storm this year: the bikinis are skimpier, the gals are posher and the ‘chat’ has never been better.
Speaking of chat, have you ever noticed that the islanders don’t quite seem to be speaking English? Rather than treat themselves to the full expressive scope of the English language, the contestants have restricted themselves to a few key phrases designed to work in any scenario.
It may make for slightly repetitive telly, but it also ensures there’s enough space in the brain to fully dissect that heart-to-heart with bae.
Here are the seven phrases you need to know before they let you on Love Island and what they really mean.
1. “On paper he’s my type”
Translation: He’s my type.
Ah, gals – when will you learn? Just when you decide to settle for that alright guy who has great chat but isn’t quite peak looks (*cough* Chris *cough*) – that’s when they bring in the big guns.
We see straight through that game of yours though – be warned that just adding ‘on paper’ to everything doesn’t make it any less offensive to your current partner. Watch:
‘On paper we should get on.’
‘On paper you’re attractive.’
‘On paper you’re a massive dick.’
Any way you play it, you’re damaging the self-esteem of the room. Cut it out. (Fun paper joke there).
Never mind Liv, at least Mike's only your type on paper.
Translation: Being flirty and suggestive with a view to coupling up.
Any self-respecting love machine knows that showing someone you like them by being nice and offering them a Dorito is so 2009. If you want to get anywhere in the villa, you’re going to need to “graft”.
Roughly, this means bitching about their other half like it pays the bills, making them uncomfortable by following them everywhere with your eyes and telling anyone who will listen that you have a thing for Olivia (it’s always her, huh).
3. "I’m not bothered."
Translation: I’m really bothered.
Did Sam not have a big brother to warn him that the ol’ ‘I’m not bothered’ line is a whole lot more convincing if you’re not saying it at the top of your voice while breaking out in a hot flush? Even more difficult to pull off if the girl you’re claiming not to be bothered about happens to be the same one that everyone has their eye on.
Chin up, Sam, Montana is more of a hoot anyway.
Who knows how terrifying he'd be when he is bothered??
4. “They have good chat.”
Translation (as far as I can make out): They can string a sentence together.
As someone who goes mainly in for personality when it comes to the dating game, I can’t help but worry that some of these girls have dreadfully low standards in the conversation department.
Sitting as a fly on the wall on Jessica and Dom’s or Mike and Tyne-Lexi’s dates, I thought to myself: crikey this is awkward. Did the girls take the opportunity to run a mile? Did they buggery! On the contrary, these boring specimens are hailed as having ‘the chat’. Starting to understand why some of the guys spend so long on their appearances…
5. “It’s Love Island not Friend Island.”
Translation: I haven’t known you long enough to consider your feelings in any way.
Made famous by Malin as she memorably trod all over Island bezzie Olivia to get to Terry (who can resist the chat??), I had hoped this catchphrase would make a comeback this season. It turns out, however, that this lot are new levels of brutal, and rather than pull this line out the bag, prefer to just say ‘we weren’t ever mates so I don’t owe you anything.’ Way to make memories, Mike.
6. “We actually like each other.”
Translation: What’s the quickest way to undermine everyone else’s relationship?
If there’s one thing people aren’t watching Love Island for, it’s to watch eight people find true love and happiness on the first day of entering the villa and to stay happy in a relationship for ever more.
These smug couples, who are just as down and dirty as the rest (except Camilla, obvs), try to place themselves on a higher plane by reminding everyone else ‘We actually like each other’. The two couples to have bandied that phrase around the most? Montana and Dom, who lasted a total of ONE DAY and Malin and Terry, the fling that resulted in THIS showdown. ‘Nuff said.
I hate it when the guy I actually like decides that he actually likes someone else.
7. “Where’s your head at?”
Translation: Have you decided you fancy me yet?
Poor Chris. His parents clearly never reached that rung of the child-rearing ladder where you teach kids that asking for something over and over is not always going to work. Add into the mix an ego the size of Kilimanjaro, and you’ve got yourself one persistent lover.
It remains to be seen tonight whether the try, try, try, try, try, and try again, and again, and again and again tactic has paid off.
So there you have it: if you fill in a few ands and shots of people staring moodily into the distance, you pretty much have the whole show. It’s predictable, it’s shallow, it’s series linked on my Sky box. Love Islanders, I salute you.