I read Past Bedtime



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7 reasons why you should vote Conservative in tomorrow's election

Image Source:  New Statesman

Image Source: New Statesman

Less than 24 hours to go until election day and things have never seemed closer. If you're still undecided about which way to swing on polling day, here are 7 reasons why you should make that vote Conservative.


1. You employ people who don’t deserve to be happy

We all know that one employee who doesn’t pull their weight, amirite? Vote for May, dodge the rise in living wage and pay these layabouts the tuppence they deserve. If that won’t make them more productive then I don’t know what will.

2. You’re a middle-aged, childless homeowner

Bad news, kids. You know when your parents have a moment and tell you that things will only get worse as you get older? This is especially true for you. Terrible for the future of the country, but absolutely blinding news for the childless, who can grow old and depend on the state merry in the knowledge that the generation after will be too weighed down by the crippling bulk of university debt and care costs to put up a fuss.

3. You love nuking

Can we just talk about nuking for a second? I’ve never really considered Trident at length, but you can bet the Conservative voters have. They would not stop harping on about it on the party leader debates last week. If, like the middle-aged men in the audience, you can’t wait to start destroying the world, the Tory vote is the one for you.

4. You want to hear more about magic money trees

After ‘Strong’, ‘Stable’ and ‘Theresa’, ‘Magic Money Tree’ has got to be the buzzword of the Tory campaign. One thing’s for sure, Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t have one, which leads one to ponder, who does? And if it’s May, shouldn’t we vote her back in?

5. You can afford a private tutor

As an absolutely diabolical teacher who is having no problem finding employment in mainstream schools, I can personally vouch for the appalling state of our education system. Thank goodness we can all afford private tutors to train our babes up for the 11+. If you don’t care enough about your child’s education to put tutoring before a roof over their head, do you really have a right to choice?

6. You dislike change

 Pretty sure that’s why the Tories get the grey vote. That and all the nuking.

7. You want to confront ‘the burning injustices of the gender pay gap’.

That’s right, it’s there in the manifesto: no way the Tories can dodge this one (this isn’t the Lib Dems hahaha…ha). Vote Conservative and sleep easy in the knowledge that male nurses will be paid an equally shit wage as female nurses, no exceptions.


So, if you can’t wait to see which will destroy us first: poverty or World War III, vote Conservative. For the few, not the many.